Again at my desk. Not at my best right now. I know that I said that I would give everyone another chance in 2011 right... The more this new year is getting closer, the more I'm getting afraid. Afraid of how things will work out... but even more of how I will approach people. I want to send everyone whom I have ever hurt, or who has hurt me, a letter saying I forgive them (or at least am working on it, for it is a proces) and that I would really appreciate it if they'd forgive me too, because I truly am sorry. For certain people this won't be that hard, but then again you have the ones that almost make you sick when seeing them. Will I be able to pour out my true emotions without even knowing how one will respond??
"...for only He strengthens me."
-M-
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Scared
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Money, don't go.!!
It was 8.30 when mom entered my room to wake me up. I really hate to be woken up in the morning (especially when I don't have to go to school). Very annoyed I opened my eyes to hear her asking me to help her search for a birthday present (my neighbor will be turning 65 tomorrow). Ugh... taking a shower was the last thing on my mind that moment, so I closed my eyes and went back to sleep, or at least I was trying to. After about half an hour of forcing my eyes to stay shut, I finally decided to get outta bed. It would be rude not to go, because then she'd be shopping on her own and that can be pretty boring. But also this would be an opportunity to have some mother-daughter time.
There was so much traffic. Everyone's doing some last moment shopping for the festivities around New Year's Eve and New Year itself. I was hoping to find me some cute tops, cus my wardrobe is almost empty... and the stuff that I do have, needs to be downgraded to homewear. I didn't have many options, for I refused to go in shops that were too crowded. In a small shop on Spanhoek I found a grey strapless top, it's cute, I love it, but the price was quite a downer. Normally I get these kinda thingies for half the price, but I couldn't complain, since I didn't wanna go into the other stores. The owner gave me a small discount, so that made it easier. Don't you just like getting discounts? Even if it doesn't make that much of a difference, when good comes after bad it somehow makes you happy. Other than my top I bought some Avon lipglosses. I tried these at home and I'm not very pleased. Next time imma stick to my Milani's. I also bought a perfume, Versace pour femme. My brother has the Versace pour homme, and I love that smell. So I thought that if the men version is good, the female version should be too right. And I was right haha.!! So this one is joining my Babyphat Fabulosity and Make me Wonder. Next on the list is the Miss Dior Cherie. I still need to save a lot of dough, cus this one is quite expensive and I'm only collecting the 100ml bottles. But the smell is totally worth it. Kinda like the Coco Mademoiselle by Chanel, but a little more trendy. Oh yeah, I got some hairproducts too, cus with all this heat I'm using on my hair, my strands are crying for some decent protectors.
And that's all I bought. Now my wallet is empty, so no partying for me. I might go check out the public places, but I need to go a little slower on spending money. In 2011 I want to save 1/3 of my allowance, because I seriously need to start saving again like old times.
Now I'm tired, I need to rest.
-Xx-
Towards the end of 2010...
It's the 29th.!! Three more days and we're living in 2011. This (almost) past year has been rough on me. I had good times, but overall, I wouldn't say that it was a great year. Emotionally there were lotsa down periods. I was confused, didn't think before I acted, felt lonely... Was I suffering from a depression?? I couldn't really open up to people and most of all I missed the ones-upon-a-times. A year ago everything seemed so much easier.!!
But I did some thinking, and I wanna try doing things differently. Analyzing myself I came to the conclusion that I don't forgive that easily and that things which bother me keep haunting me for a long time. What if that could change. What if I gave everyone a new chance. Something like starting over completely. I wanna try to treat everyone with the same respect I'd like to receive. Maybe I should start asking forgiveness to everyone I might have hurt in a way. I really wanna go for it. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy and that things will change in a snap, but in this new year I just wanna focus on that a lil more. And if everything works out well... 2011 will be my best year ever.!!
Ban Drama, Wear a Smile
-Xx-
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Negative Changes
Aan mijn bureau, in de kamer met upbeat clubmuziek door het huis. Ik baal de hersenen uit m'n hoofd. Ik had me echt verheugd op een vriendinnen uitje, maar dat ging helaas niet door zoals in mijn vorige blogpost aangegeven. Dus vanavond zal ik mij maar weer moeten vermaken met FB, Twitter, YouTube en sinds kort Blogger, want ik had geen plan B op schema staan. Om het erger te maken, broertjelief maakt zich klaar om te gaan stappen met z'n maten. Lekker karaoke'en tot laat. Gewoon fun maken met vrienden... Oh how I miss that... Ik moet echt vaak denken aan vroeger. Tja, it's the past, get over it, zouden velen zeggen. Maar ik ben nog steeds de mening toegedaan dat het een deel is van het geheel. So I don't mind sharing it with you.
Vroeger had ik echt super vriendinnen met wie ik alles deelde. We deden haast elk weekend samen iets, en we hadden een ritueeltje: Therapy Session. Dat gebeurde meestal op de zondag. We gingen dan naar the coffee beanery, om bij te kletsen over onze oh-zo-dramatische leventjes (lol). Steevast bestelden we dan een coffee chiller met veel slagroom (i luvv it) en maakten ons comfortabel op de couches. Het kwebbelen kon dan beginnen. Als die banken konden praten haha.!! Los van het weekend, zagen we elkaar ook geregeld op campus. En als een van ons iets had meegemaakt, stelden we elkaar direkt op de hoogte via de telefoon, of internet.
Maar dingen veranderen... We verhuizen naar een andere buurt of ander land. We veranderen van studie. We gaan met andere mensen om. We maken nieuwe vrienden... En dit alles zorgt er vaak genoeg ook voor dat de persoon die je was, langzaam aan ook vervaagt. De kunst van deze changes is om zodanig te handelen, dat onderlinge banden niet verloren gaan. Maar helaas... deze kundigheid hebben we waarschijnlijk nog niet onder de knie.
We hebben allemaal een druk leventje. Studie, werk, hobby's... maar desondanks moeten we moeite blijven doen om de leuke dingen die we samen deden niet tot het verleden te laten behoren. Tegenwoordig besteden we nauwlijks tijd met elkaar. De keren dat we wel afspreken wordt het vaak genoeg gecancelled. De periode van de random texts is voorbij. Alles is kinda zakelijk en formeel. Vroeger was het: Hey, gaan we naar (some random event), now it's more like: Hey, ga jij naar puntjes puntjes, want ik zou gaan. Dat is een verborgen manier van zeggen dat de persoon ergens zal zijn met anderen waar jij niet echt welkom bent, tenzij je met je "eigen" mensen gaat.
In het begin doe je nog moeite, je probeert je zoveel mogelijk aan te passen aan de ander, maar hoelang ga je nog verder ermee. Vooral als je merkt dat het one-sided is. Je voelt je dan niet meer belangrijk, in de steek gelaten en alleen. Vaagjes heb je nog contakt, maar dat gevoel van onze eenheid is compleet verdwenen.
Als titel had ik "Pretty Random", maar uiteindelijk hebben me gedachten me toch nog geleid naar iets specifiekers. Ik voelde het gemis vanavond extra, en heb af en toe met betraande ogen dit verslag gedaan.
-M-
Ugh.!! Cancelation.!!
This will be a quickie. This morning I found out our reunion, which would be later this evening, got cancelled. K got a tight schedule since she's only here in SU for 10 days. I was kinda upset because we had planned it even before she was here and NOW she's saying she can't... sigh
-M-
...and I didn't even wish you a merry one.!!
Heya.!!
Did you notice I started blogging on Christmas?? I was so stoked about setting up my blogpage I completely forgot to wish you all a Merry Christmas.!! So here goes: Merry Belated Christmas everyone.!!
My Christmas was a period with lotsa food. The days before the 25th I attended at least 3 X-mas dinners (all church-related). And there were 2 more scheduled for the days after.
At dinner #1 I had performed for the first time ever.!! Okay... the audience wasn't that big, but still I was kinda nervous and wanted to get it over with quickly. My brother (on guitar) an I did a duet singing "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas". I don't mind how it sounded... I just had to break the barrier, so that I will have more confidence performing next time.
On Christmas itself (the 25th and 26th) I stayed at home enjoying mom's delicious spagetti. No turkey or ham, just something simple but yummy.
Today (no, that was actually yesterday, but I haven't slept yet, so it feels like today) I had a get together with my study buddies. Four of us were there physically, while one joined us virtually via Skype. He couldn't be there with us, for he is currently living in the US while we're in SU (slang for Suriname). It was nice being together again, but still it was different. There is so much I miss from the old times (and then I'm talking about a year ago). But I'm thankful that Christmas still brought us back together for this one time. And that's partly what's Christmas is about: reuniting loved ones.!! That brings me to the last dinner, the one with my girls from MULO-school (we were 14 when we had this whole BFF thing going on lol). I'm really looking forward to it. I haven't seen them in a while and we seriously need to catch up on things.
But for now I need to shut my eyes, and I'll tell you how things went with the chicas later on the day.
-Xx-
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Country Leighton
Hola.!!
So I just read a tweet from Leighton Meester about her upcoming movie Country Strong. I checked out some trailers and I gotta say: I need to go see this one.!! Since I'm a big Gossip Girl fan, I'm used to seeing her as a stuck-up bitch, living on Manhattan's upper east side. Well, in this movie, we're gonna see the total opposite.!! She's got the whole country groove going on, including the accent. I've listened to two of the songs, Summer Girl and Give In To Me, which are being performed by Leighton herself and her co-star Garrett Hedlund. Pretty earcandy.!! Especially the second one, luvv the lyrics, so I put them underneath:
I'm gonna wear you down
I'm gonna make you see
I'm gonna get to you
you're gonna give in to me
I'm gonna start a fire
You're gonna feel the heat
I'm gonna burn for you
You're gonna melt for me
Come on come on
Into my arms
Come on come on
Give in to me
You're gonna take my hand
Whisper the sweetest words
And if ur ever sad
I'll make you laugh
I'll chase the hurl
My heart is set on you
I don't want no one else
And if you don't want me
I guess I'll be all by myself
Come on come on
Into my arms
Come on come on
Give in to me
I'll use my eyes to draw you in
Until I'm under your skin
I'll use my lips I'll use my arms
Come on
Give in to me
I really hope it will be playing in my local theatre... cus otherwise I gotta wait for TV to watch it.!! And that's just way to long...
-M-
Blogger Noob.!!
Hii :)
And there you have it, my first words here in Bloggerville.!! I'm just looking around, trying to figure out if this is really what I'm looking for. Never before have I kept a blog. I mean, I wrote silly notes on hi5 or whatever... but never something this big. What I'm trying to do is to type down my every move from now on. Kinda like a diary, but one I'm sharing with you.
Talking about diaries... OMG I was a diary freak.!! I have quite a few lying in my drawer. My very first diary was a present from an old neighbour on my 10th birthday. I knew what its purpose was, but I didn't really use it. Until my cousin (my best friend back then) got one too and we came up with the idea to switch diaries weekly. That was our way to keep eachother updated on our lives. It didn't last long though... My cousin caught her big sister reading the diary (it was mine).!! I was embarassed and mad at the same time. We had written about our crushes, guys whom she also knew.!! Our 10 year old minds decided we'd write in code-language from then on... but seriously, it took all the fun away. So we just stopped writing.
On christmas that year I got another diary and this one was from my mum. It was a new beginning. I inked down everything. From where I went to what I had eaten that day. But most of all I filled the pages with stuff about guys I was eyeing :p. Looking back I had TOO MANY crushes.!! My diary became my best friend. She was always the first who'd know about my secrets. She was there for me when I couldn't sleep and even when I wasn't feeling like it, I'd pick her up writing how I felt. I let out all my emotions and only with her I could really be myself. Before I knew it I needed another diary, and another one, and so forth. This went on till I was about 18...
That was when I started college. Every hour of every day was booked. And the moments that weren't, I was too lazy to pick up my diary. Slowly she got abandoned out of my life. I miss her though... and I regret not writing anymore, cus it feels like the memories of the past 2 years have already vanished.
So that's why I'm starting this blog. Since most of the time I'm on the internet, it shouldn't be that hard to drop a quick update on my life right... I hope I'll be blogging soon.
-M-
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)